Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Knocked Down

We weren't trying to get pregnant . . . but sometimes the unexpected ends up being the best thing that happens to you.  And that's what we were expecting with this little baby!  When we first found out we pregnant we were definitely surprised, but excited.  I changed my annual appt to a prenatal appt and we went in for our first US.   My OB seemed a little concerned as the dates weren't matching up so he wanted me to come back in 2 weeks for another US.  He made sure to tell me not to tell anybody because I could still have a miscarriage.  Of course panic set in.  Those 2 weeks went by very slow and the day before my US I came down with some kind of flu and was sicker than I have been in my life.  I was very fearful as to what this could have done to baby #2.  I went into the US and baby looked great.  So, come back in 4 weeks for your 13 week US and tests . . .

I asked my Mom to come with us as she has never seen a grandbaby until it was born so thought this would be fun for her.  The US took about an hour as she couldn't get good enough measurements.  I now know she saw something and she wanted to confirm what she saw.  After the US we went to the waiting room to meet with my OB . . . he said the babies lengths, NT all look good but he did see something that is very concerning - your babies bladder is enlarged.  I think at this point I shut him off and was in a total state of shock.  I asked him how big a bladder is supposed to be and he said you shouldn't see the bladder at this point . . . our babies bladder at this point looked like it was taking up half of it's body. 

Once I got my blood drawn I lost it.  There are no words to describe how I felt in knowing there was something extremely wrong with my baby.  Devastated doesn't even come close.  I thought I could go into work and pretend that just didn't happen but I was wrong . . . I lost it and had to tell my boss's what was going on.  Thank GOD they were so understanding.  I went home that day and cried and cried and cried.  After doing research I started to give up faith and hope . . . but then I saw some cases where the bladder issue just went away - so at that point I started to become more hopeful and positive.  Everything could just go away . . .

We went to the specialist on Thursday and met with the Genetic counselor to go over history, etc.  We then had our US and the US machine they used is a level 2 meaning it can see a lot more than a level 1 and it is pretty much as clear as you can get.  There was our baby . . . everything was perfect except his bladder.  It measured at 16mm thus our doctor told us this is an extreme case and wouldn't go away on it's own.  There went my faith and positivity in a matter of a second.

They did the CVS (which was painful) which led to more waiting.  The first part of the results came back late Monday afternoon and they normal and we are having a boy.  This leads us in the right direction as we are now considered a candidate for the shunt procedure.  The shunt procedure would place a shunt in the babies bladder to drain the urine which in turn creates amniotic fluid which allows the lungs to develop . . . the down fall is that this will only mask whatever problem is causing the enlarged bladder.  It doesn't guarantee that my baby will survive, it will basically help get it to survive until he can be delivered.  After that who knows what issues he may have, he may need a kidney transplant, he may never be able to pee on his own, he may be born but die within minutes and the list goes on.

Our next step is to wait until November 18th.  At that time the doctor will be able to do an amnio and abstract urine from our little boys bladder.  They will run tests to determine how well the kidneys, lungs and heart are functioning.  If all are functioning well, then we will be able to do the shunt procedure.  If they are not functioning well then we will have to decide to terminate the pregnancy or wait for the baby to pass on his own.  All are horrible decisions and I don't want to have to make that decision.  I have seen my baby boy move his arms, legs, turn side to side, seen his face, profile . . . it's not fair, why God are you doing this to our sweet, innocent little boy????  Every part of this situation is horrible . . . I just want my baby to be healthy and live a normal life.  I don't want to see him suffer.

I have lost my positivity, I have lost faith, I have lost the excitement of being pregnant.  I see my weekly updates on how my baby is growing and had to shut them off because I don't want to know how much of a baby he is becoming because at any second I could lose him.  One thing I have not lost is support.  Tom and I are very lucky to have such an amazing family and great friends and we can't thank them enough for their kind words and for their prayers.  We need all the prayers we can get.  I haven't given up and I will keep praying for a miracle!!!!

Now that I got all of this out, I am going to try my hardest to be more positive and have faith in God and know that he has his reasons . . . even though I don't understand them now, I hope to some day understand.  There are so many things to be thankful for and these things are what is going to get me through this next month.  Starting with me having a supportive/loving husband who has seen the worst of me this past week and the cutest, loving toddler boy who lights me up at my darkest moment.  Without these two I don't know how I would get through this.

What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger and I certainly want to believe this.

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