Friday, November 19, 2010

When people ask how I am doing, I don't know what to say.  I don't like to be negative, but at the same time I can't lie and say I am good.  I am terrible.  I am a mess.  I can't stop crying.  I can't eat.  I can't sleep. I can't stop thinking why.  I can't stop thinking about Monday and most of all I can't stop thinking about the baby that we are never going to meet. 

We had to make our appt. yesterday to start the process and it was by far the worst thing anyone should have to do.  They asked us if we wanted to see our baby and we decided not to.  He will be too little right now and I have this picture in my mind that he looks just perfect and I want him to remain that way.

Never did I imagine I would have a baby die; a baby die that I didn't get to meet, hold, tell him how much I love him, sing songs to him, watch his expressions when he sees how crazy his older brother is and just be his Mommy.  Even if it were for one day, I wish he could experience all of these things.

I am now accepting that God is taking him so he doesn't have to experience pain.  Had there not been a heart problem we would have tried everything to save him and he would have had to experience more pain in his first few days of life than I have ever experienced.  So today, that is what I am thankful for.

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