Last Day of November

It has now been a week since we lost our little baby boy . . . life is starting to get back to normal but there isn't a second that goes by that we don't think about him and what we lost.  People have said to me that once we have a new baby, that new baby wouldn't be in our lives if it weren't for what happened to our baby boy . . . that does not make me feel any better.  I first have to have another baby without any complications and if I am lucky enough to have another healthy baby (I am not scared to try again, but I am more prepared for something to go wrong as creating a baby is a miracle and so many things have to go right) he or she will not replace what we lost.  Some people also say, it's good you found out this early . . . I think to myself, this wasn't early!  He was 17 weeks when he passed away, that is not early - early would have been before I saw/heard his heart beat, face, nose, ears, feet, hands, mouth, etc.  I think it would have been just as hard losing a 40 week baby, but I at least would have been able to say good bye and have closure.  Losing a baby at any time whether it's 10 weeks, 20 weeks, 40 weeks or at 2 months is absolutely awful.  I know people are trying to make me feel better and I appreciate that. 

Today I am thankful this month is almost over.  I am ready to put this month of hell behind us and celebrate the Christmas season with our smiley, happy, crazy, trouble maker, ornament lover, snugly little Will and of course our family and friends!

Can you tell Will loves BATH TIME?

Just Dance

I know I have already said I am thankful for Will, but it never hurts to say it again!  :)  It's a little dark as I am using my camera . . . but hope you get to see the new moves Will must have learned from his dancing queen cousins, Ali and Jenna.



Hope you all had a Happy Thanksgiving! We went over to my sister's house (Tara and Glen's) and of course had a great time. We sure did miss the Frick's and my parents! My parents are in FL for a few weeks and the highs have been in the upper 80's with the lows in the lower 70's. Am I jealous, I certainly am! But, I was able to go last year for 10 days so I will survive. :)








Friday -

I am thankful for Tom's family. I should let Tom write this one out as he is able to go more in depth but I will give it my best shot. :) Tom's Mom passed away a few months before I met Tom so I didn't get to meet her, but I am thankful to her and Gary for raising such a good hubby and father! Even though I hate that I didn't get meet her and hate that Tom had to go through the loss of his mother - I am very thankful that our little baby is with someone who I know loves him just as much as we would have. We are also very thankful for Gary and Linda. They love Will to pieces and even though Linda isn't his biological grandchild, she still loves him just the same and Will is one lucky little boy to have 5 amazing grandparents that love him so much! We are also thankful for his sister, brother and sister-in-law - they have been very helpful with Will and I know Tom feels the same way I do about my sisters - he wouldn't know what he would do without them.

Saturday -
I am thankful for the men and women who serve our country. As I was thinking about this the other day it made me so sad to think of the families who are spending their holidays without their loved one. I just can't imagine.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Getting back on track on what I am thankful for.  I will say a few to make up for the few days I missed.

You all have probably been wondering when this was coming . . . I am more than thankful for my 3 older sisters.  Even though we weren't always the best of friends . . .  when my parents told my sisters they were pregnant . . . again . . . Tara told my parents she hated them because they were having ANOTHER kid and she "knew what they did" (Sonya of course went along with Tara) and Krista, who had an assignment her senior year to write to herself in 10 years - do you want to know what she wrote?  She said she hopes to be friends with her younger sister, Laura.  HA HA HA!  Thankfully it didn't take 10 years for us to become friends!  :)

I won't go into too much detail as I could go on and on, but I am so thankful that I had 3 built in best friends that know me better than anyone.  I know they would drop anything to be there for me and I hope they know I would do the same for them.



































My next thing on my thankful list is my friends.  I am thankful for each and every one of my friends.  The past few weeks I have realized more than ever how important they are to me and I am very thankful they are in my life. 

The ways I have met some of my best friends really makes me believe everything happens for a reason.  For instance I met one of my good friends serving food at a homeless shelter, another friend we lived 2 blocks away and finally met after Tom and her hubby figured it out at breakfast club and as shocking as this may seem, I wasn't a big fan of my fifth sister as I thought she had kissed my ex-boyfriend - obviously I got over that one!!

To be continued.  :)

Gobble.  Gobble.  Gobble.

Physically I am healing, emotionally - I have my times where I just can't take it.  I am a strong person, but this is just too much for me.  I just can't get this picture out of mind - he is our baby, our baby that we didn't get to hold and didn't get to tell him how much we loved him before he went to heaven.

 

They were able to video tape his last ultra sound and at the time it was so hard to watch, I know in time we will be so thankful that they did that for us.

While Tom and I feel like the most unlucky people for what has happened to our baby, we feel so fortunate to have such amazing friends and family.  I can only talk to a few people as I usually end up in tears, but I want you to know how much I truly appreciate all you have said.

17 Weeks is Too Soon . . .

Sweet little baby boy, our hearts are broken as we grieve your loss.  While we are in so much pain and wonder why God took you so soon, I take comfort in knowing that you will never have to endure any pain or suffering and that you are in the arms of your Grandma Jackovin.

We love you so much and you will be in our thoughts every day and our hearts forever.

You look like your big brother's 3d ultra sound picture.  You even have your hand in the exact same spot and you have that cute little button nose.

Words can't express how much you mean to us.  You are perfect.

I think you would have been tall like your big brother.  Look at those feet/toes and leg.



Thank you all again for your love, support, prayers, cards, groceries, flowers, edible arrangements, phone calls and e-mails.  We have been blessed with an amazing group of family and friends and even strangers that reached out to us and gave us their love and support through what has been the most difficult month of our lives.

Love, The Jackovin's.

Our little love bug.

When people ask how I am doing, I don't know what to say.  I don't like to be negative, but at the same time I can't lie and say I am good.  I am terrible.  I am a mess.  I can't stop crying.  I can't eat.  I can't sleep. I can't stop thinking why.  I can't stop thinking about Monday and most of all I can't stop thinking about the baby that we are never going to meet. 

We had to make our appt. yesterday to start the process and it was by far the worst thing anyone should have to do.  They asked us if we wanted to see our baby and we decided not to.  He will be too little right now and I have this picture in my mind that he looks just perfect and I want him to remain that way.

Never did I imagine I would have a baby die; a baby die that I didn't get to meet, hold, tell him how much I love him, sing songs to him, watch his expressions when he sees how crazy his older brother is and just be his Mommy.  Even if it were for one day, I wish he could experience all of these things.

I am now accepting that God is taking him so he doesn't have to experience pain.  Had there not been a heart problem we would have tried everything to save him and he would have had to experience more pain in his first few days of life than I have ever experienced.  So today, that is what I am thankful for.

Broken doesn't even describe how we feel.  I can honestly say I believe in motherly instincts because I am usually the most optimistic/positive person, but with our situation I had a feeling from the beginning that something was wrong.  And today we found out more things are wrong.

We found out today that our little guy's heart is pushed over to the right side of chest. There is no reason for this, just another fluke.  We didn't do the bladder tap today because if there is a heart condition then the shunt will not be done and now his bladder issue is the least of our doctor's concern.  Last time we went into the doctor his heart rate was 168, it is now 148.  It is so hard for me to type this out and I can't say it out loud . . . our son is not going to make it.  We will go into the doctor on Monday as our doctor strongly feels his heart will likely have stopped.  I will then have to deliver my son that will never take his first breath.

We saw him on the US machine today for a good half hour.  Moving, kicking, drinking the amniotic fluid, turning circles - we saw both of his feet, his arms, his little fingers.  We have so many pictures that I can not bring myself to look at because it makes me break down even more.

Please tell me what God's reasoning is behind this?  Why is he putting our family through this?  Why???  I don't understand and know I will never understand
Thank you all for your prayers, thoughts, support. You have all helped us keep going.
Laura, Tom and Will

Today is the Day

Am I ready for today?   Yes and no.  I am ready to get some answers on where we go from here but I don't think I have quite grasped and accepted what we are dealing with.  I am not ready to see how large his bladder has gotten because it breaks my heart.  I hate every part of this and don't understand why this is happening to our baby or why bad things happen to any baby for that matter.  We are supposed to be excited to see our baby on the ultra sound machine, but instead I feel sick to my stomach thinking about having to see him. 

I know it could be worse.  So many of the stories I have read, couples have been trying for years to have their first child and when they finally get pregnant something like this happens.  If I feel this awful, I can't imagine how they feel.  We at least can get pregnant and most importantly we have our crazy Will that helps us deal with this situation.  So for that we are more than thankful!

Below is my belly at 16 weeks and 1 day.  I have decided I am going to try to be as optimistic as possible - so taking a picture of my growing belly is part of those steps.  Next to that picture is when I was 20.5 weeks pregnant with Will, so it looks like baby #2 is measuring a little bit bigger - it does also look like I am carrying baby #2 a little bit higher.  Had I not know I was having a boy - I really would have guessed I was having a girl.  

Today I am thankful for all of your thoughts and prayers - I hope tomorrow I can be thankful that they worked!



November 17th

The innocence of my child.  This morning as Will was playing I was doing my exercises for my stupid tailbone pain.  While I was laying down, Will comes over and lays down on my chest and just busts out laughing and gives me a hug.  He then goes back to reading his books and then he comes back over and does the exact same thing.  He can so easily put a smile on my face and make by day by just being Will.

I love this "little" guy to pieces!

What Thursday Looks Like . . .

Our appt is at 2:30 this Thursday.  They will do another long ultra sound (my biggest fear is that there will not be a heart beat, so I ask you all to PLEASE PRAY there is) to get measurements, look at the kidneys (to see if any cysts have formed) and to determine where the doctor will insert the needle. 

After this is finished they will do a vesicocentesis (transdominal aspriation of fetal urine) which will drain the urine from the bladder and they will also extract urine to test for kidney and lung function.  This is different from an amnio as the amnio extracts amniotic fluid.  With a vesicocentesis the needle will actually go through the baby's stomach into his bladder . . . so obviously there is a lot more risk as the baby is so tiny - a poke in the wrong area could be fatal.

This is how the test will be performed:  Under ultra-sound guidance, a needle is inserted through my abdomen, through the my uterus and into the our little guy's bladder. The bladder will be completely drained (this will allow the baby to have amniotic fluid which is extremely important for lung development and will also free up pressure on the other organs) and urine will be extracted for further testing.

From what I have read - evaluation of kidney function requires that the procedure be repeated 48 - 72 hours after the first "tap" as the first 2 bladder taps represent old urine that has been present in his bladder and upper tracts.  The 3rd bladder tap represents urine that has been recently formed and will be the most reflective on how the kidneys are currently functioning.  I honestly am floored that urine can tell so much about my baby and that they can do all these tests when he is so itty bitty!

So, we will likely have to wait for more answers, but we will at least know on Thursday how our little guy is holding up and will be able to drain his bladder to give him some relief!

The results will tell us the fate of our baby and there is no in between.  This doctor will not try to be superman and do the shunt if we are below the threshold, which I know would be hard to accept, but I understand his reasoning.  If the results are in our favor then we give the shunt a shot.    

2 more days until the big appt! Please go by FAST!

Today I am thankful for my parents. For many reasons, but obviously the big reason is I wouldn't be here if it weren't for them. While I didn't always agree with their rules (ok, I NEVER agreed with their rules) and hated the dreaded "LIST" my Dad created for us to do every Saturday AM, now that I am a parent, I understand. However, I still think it's cruel to pick up your daughter from a sleepover at 7AM when all the other girls get to stay until at least 10! Just saying. :)

You don't realize how much it costs to raise a child until you have your own. Toys, furniture, diapers, daycare, sports, braces, doctor/dentist visits, clothes (my parents had that part rough!!), food, a car (or in my case a red truck with white stripes), car insurance, gas and the list goes on and on. It adds up! I was very lucky in the fact that my parents paid for my college tuition, living expenses and car insurance. That is huge. I had a hard enough time after college trying to figure out how to pay bills, etc. so I can't imagine having to pay student loans on top of all that!

But most importantly, they are awesome grandparents and would do anything for their grand kids (and kids for that matter :))!

These are pictures from our trip to FL last year. My parents were great hosts and we had an absolute blast for 10 straight days!

Am I Crazy?

I have read two stories about families that have been in almost the exact same position as we are in with our little boy's condition. Click below if you like to read further.

http://www.fetalhope.org/patients-families/stories/?sid=770
http://www.fetalhope.org/patients-families/stories/?sid=255

Both of these families saw Dr. Quintero - he is supposed to be the king of all surgeons when it comes to fetal surgery and he is the only doctor in the US that has performed the fetal surgery on the actual blockage. I am obviously putting the cart before the horse here as we don't know what exactly we are dealing with, but I am honestly considering flying to FL. My parents are in Naples for 3 weeks and Miami or Tampa (he performs surgeries in both cities) are only 2 hours away.

Now, if only tickets weren't un-godly expensive! Another thing that makes me start biting my nails is the surgery would be out network . . . meaning we would have to pay 30% of the bill, which I can imagine would be a lot.

I thought I had lost all of my optimism but I think it's starting to return!

1/2 Way Through November?

Thank goodness! November might go down as my worst month of all time so I am ready for it to be gone, gone, gone.

I was boycotting blogging because somehow when they updating the blogging tools, mine got deleted so I only have 4 options (bold, italic, strike through and link . . . I need MORE)!!!!

Our weekend was a pretty good one. Friday night I went over to my good friend Meredith's house as our good friend Jules was in town who moved to NV. We literally chatted for a good 4 hours, and if I wasn't tired we could have chatted all night. That's when you know you have great friends! It was so good to see both of them.

Saturday AM Aunt Mary watched Will while we went out for Tom's ambassadors club social. I only stayed for a little while as Will had to go down for a nap, but it was great catching up with the ladies! 2 of the other ladies there were pregnant as well and both are having girls - I have 5 friends that are having girls! This little boy is going to be surrounded! :)

That night we took it easy and got food to go and watched a movie. My kind of night. Yesterday cousin Jenna (Krista's little girl who is 3.5 mo older than Will) came over for a play date and it was a great time. Will just loves her! He kept smiling at her and saying hi, hugging her and patting her on the back. It was so cute. She is such an easy child compared to Will! I think we said NO Will about 50 times while she was there and not one NO Jenna . . . there might have been one, but I think that is only because Jenna was following what the crazy was doing. I guess that's just the difference between boys and girls. At least that is my excuse for now!

Thankful for . . .
Nov 15 - this is the week we find out what is in store for our little baby boy. I have mixed emotions about this as I sometimes just want to pretend he is fine but in reality he is not and we could even see on the US that our little boy's heart stopped. Some days it's just too hard to deal with so pretending like all is fine will have to work.

Nov 14 - Will's day. He is thankful for his cousin Jenna. She is so much fun.

Nov 13 - Gap's Give and Get discount - I saved SO much money and was able to donate 5% of the profit to a charity of my choice. Gives me a reason to shop! :)

November 11

Today I am thankful for video cameras and my snugly little baby toddler. 

Last night we got the video camera out as Will was so excited that he was putting the shapes into the correct spots.  He would start clapping after each shape went through and would get the biggest smile on his face (when he does something like that Tom and I make it a huge deal and start clapping and say yeah Will - we are all for the positive reinforcement :)).  He was so proud of himself.  He continued to do this for a good 10 minutes and would look at us because he knew darn well we should be clapping and cheering as well. 

Every time we get the video camera out we like to look back to when he was a little itty bitty baby and it sure is crazy to think he was that small.  Looking back at those chins, hearing him gwha and ga, snort when he laughed, get frustrated for having to do tummy time, his tiny little clothes and the list goes on and on.  So I am thankful for our video camera that has captured so many moments that I don't want to forget!

Look at those chins and that smile! 

When it's time for Will's bedtime he is very easy to go down.  We could just lay him in his crib with skip it, a passy and a blanket and he would be down for the night.  But we usually read him a book or two or sing him songs first.  Last night after seeing my little cuddly baby I wanted to see if I could rock him to sleep so I gave him skip it and his passy and he just snuggled up with me.  I cradled him like a baby and sang him songs and rocked him to sleep.  It definitely gave me the feeling of having my itty little baby in my arms, well except for the fact that his legs are completely hanging off the rocking chair.  :)  I can't even put into words the feeling you get when you watch your child fall asleep/sleep.  It definitely brings you back to when they were born!

 My tiny little bubber . . . he definitely didn't stay tiny for long!

So sweet and peaceful snoozing away! 

The countdown begins until we find out what is next for our little baby boy #2.  1 MORE WEEK!  As you have seen from my posts, this has been a roller coaster and I am more than ready to know what comes next.  Next week, please go by fast!!!!  :)

November 10th

Today I am thankful for Bon Jovi.  My hubby is going to roll his eyes when he sees this.  :)  But seriously, he is great, wait, not great, he is AWESOME!  I have been to 2 concerts that were in DSM and both were amazing.  We had great seats both times and were super close to the stage.  I must say I was a little bit upset that he didn't come back to DSM on his last tour.  This AM we watched dvr'd Letterman and Bon Jovi was on and sang his oldie It's My Life and Will and I rocked out - that boy it smart!  Honestly, what's not to love about Bon Jovi?  He is VERY easy on the eyes (I don't care how old he is, he still looks great) and who doesn't blare Living On A Prayer when it comes on the radio or I-pod?  He just makes me smile.  :)   

Yes, that is Bon Jovi clearly reaching out to me at is Have A Nice Day tour!  I went with my sisters and good friend Kristina!  Of course we had a blast!


And this is his last tour in Des Moines, Lost Highway.  All 3 of my sisters share the love for Bon Jovi . . . although the older 2 probably have more love as they were not babies when he was starting out.  :)

November 9th

Today I am thankful for the Internet, for many reasons. 

1. I would not have a job if it were not for the Internet and I really like my job!
2. I get to easily keep up with my friends and see photos of their families, etc (thanks FB and blogs!).
3. I was able to research baby boy #2's condition and get in contact with other families who have had to deal with similar situations.  Some that give me hope and some that give me the strength to  deal with what might be thrown our way.
4. I get to talk to my friends/family on IM which always makes the day go by a little bit faster.
5. Google is awesome.  Although sometimes it is not good for those that might be a little bit of a hypochondriac (ME).  :)
6. E-vite rocks- go green, right?
7. E-mail is awesome, especially for friends that are 2 hours behind . . . I go to bed way too early. 
8. When Will starts dating (when he is 18 :)) you betcha ya I will look up her record!
9. Online shopping . . . if you are a good customer, you get free shipping so why would you not shop online?  :)
10. I get to read spoilers on my soaps, read up on my gossip magazines, catch up on the news/weather, etc!   

On a side note - I just got a call from our genetic counselor and the rest of the CVS results came back NORMAL!  Thank you GOD!  We also discussed what will happen next week and this doctor gives you a little more hope . . . she said sometimes when they do the bladder tap (go in through my belly, the uterus and then the babies bladder to drain/abstract the babies urine) the issue goes away.  So my number 1 request from all of you is to PRAY, PRAY, PRAY, this is exactly what happens.  This doesn't mean we will be in the clear, but this would be the best scenario!

Thank you again for all your continued prayers for baby #2, he needs them!  This little guy fought to be conceived so I have no doubt that he is fighting to come into this world as healthy as can be!  I will be honest, anxiety hits me full force when I think about having to see his bladder on the screen next Thursday.   It just makes your heart sink.  But, if things go our way, we will be able to see the bladder decrease when the doctor does the bladder tap. 

At times I think if we do this shunt it is messing with God's plan.  My baby shouldn't have to feel pain at 16 weeks - when he is in the womb he is supposed to be protected from all harm, this is the safest place he will ever be in . . . but here we are poking him with needles and then possibly putting a shunt into his bladder???  After telling my sister my crazy feelings/thoughts she pointed out that God created people to become doctors who are able to perform these miraculous surgeries that could save my babies life.  Can you now tell why I am not getting sleep?  I think WAY too much, my brain doesn't stop.  :)

Weekend!

Our weekend was pretty low key.  Friday night we were supposed to go to dinner with friends but as I mentioned before I haven't been sleeping well and this no sleep thing is really taking a toll on my body.  I was not feeling well at all and didn't eat dinner and just went straight to bed.  You know I am sick when I pass up a steak and texas toast at Rubes.  I was so bummed.

Saturday we watched football all morning and afternoon.  Gosh, what great games.  Such a bummer that the Cyclones lost to NE, but what a great fight and fun game to watch.  Saturday night turned into a bloody mess.  Will's LOVES to run on the couch  and as he was doing just that, he took a header into the arm of the couch (which is not soft like the rest).  Tom picked him up and there was just blood everywhere.  Talking about scary!  It wouldn't stop and the poor guy was hurting and  was scared.  We finally got him to calm down and got the blood under control.  I was very nervous to look inside his mouth as I was not sure what I would find or not find (missing teeth).  Thankfully, all teeth were accounted for and we were just looking at a big, bruised lip.  One would think after that he would learn his lesson . . . nope.  30 minutes later he was going to attempt it again.

Sunday we played outside, went for a walk, cleaned the house for Grammy to come and stay with us, danced with Will (he was loving So What by Pink :) and then went over to Mary's house for Grace's b-day.  I can't believe she is 9.  My nieces and nephews are growing up WAY too fast!!!!  Food wasn't my friend last night so dinner was skipped and so was cake and ice cream.  This is NOT the diet I want to be on, but hopefully this means that baby boy #2 is doing well in there and that is the reason why food is not my friend! 

Today I am going to attempt to go to the gym.  I haven't been since we found out about our little guys bladder and I am hoping this will give me a little bit more energy.  I walk up the stairs and am winded - not a good sign when you want to keep up with your 1 year old!

Continuing on with things I am thankful for :) . . .
Nov 8 - toast and orange juice.  Toast is the only food that sounds good to me and orange juice tastes so good and gives me the nutrients I need as food hasn't been my friend these past few weeks.  Did you know that light orange juice is just made up of filtered water and orange juice?  What a rip off!

Nov 7 - beautiful weather!  It just makes the day SO much better . . . especially when it hits 70 degrees in November!  Tom took Will outside to play football, run around in the grass and just be boys.  It was so cute to watch.  I just pray that baby boy#2 will be able to do the same with his big brother and Daddy.  I can see all three of them being outside being boys and hope that God knows how much I want that to be true.

Nov 6 - for the weekend.  I love every part of the weekend - and this weekend it was beautiful!  I love that I get to spend 2 full days with my hubby and Will and especially love when there isn't anything going on and we can lounge in our pj's all day! 

Today . . .

I am thankful for Diet Coke and concealer. 

Without Diet Coke I would not be able to keep my eyes open.  I need 8 hours of sleep to function and these past few days/weeks I have maybe been getting 3 hours of sleep.  Coffee makes me throw up at this point, so Diet Coke it is.  For all of those wondering "I thought you should not drink caffeine when you are pregnant?"  Doctors say you can have up to 200 mg and a 12 oz can of diet coke has only 35 mg . . . so I am in the clear.  :)

My 2nd thing that has been a saver is concealer.  Clinique for that matter.  I have always had a problem with circles under my eyes - no matter how much sleep and water I drink - it doesn't help.  I have asked many doctors about this and they just confirmed what I already knew - I have very thin skin under my eyes . . . thus my issue.  Don't think I have asked them about surgery.  :)  Concealer has helped me look like I have a week old black eye vs a brand new one.  So thank goodness for that!  In college I worked at the GAP and one of my co-workers asked me one day if I had a black eye!  Who would ask something like that?????  I blame the lighting at GAP and perhaps a little bit of dehydration from boozing a bit too much?

Onto my crazy toddler.  If you see him he will do the following:  say HI, give you a hug, start doing the wheels on the bus, put his hands over his eyes and do peak-a-boo and point somewhere and say ball (he knows what a ball is, but I think he just likes to say ball).

He is also BIG into books (not so much the reading, but turning the pages) and can kind of say book.  Doesn't quite get the k at the end but we are working on it.  He will point and say book and then will go and grab it and bring it to you and want you to read it to him.  I just love it.

Tom found Will a tool set and that child loves it.  It's funny how boys get into boy things and girls get into girl thing.  My cousin Jenna already LOVES shoes and wants to choose which ones she is going to wear for the day.  :)

He also loves to dance!  Let's hope he has Mommy's dance moves and not Daddy's!  :)

Have a great weekend!

Month of Thankfulness

The rest of this month is going to be about what I am thankful for . . . this is going to help me get past these next few weeks as there are a million things I am thankful for.  Since I have missed a few days I will fill those in . . .

November 1st - Will.  He is means the world to me and makes me laugh 24/7 - even when he is being naughty he still makes me laugh.  I had the easiest pregnancy/labor with Will and I now am more than thankful for that.  I now realize how lucky I am to have a perfectly healthy baby, so many things can go wrong during pregnancy and every healthy baby is now a miracle to me.  Watching him grow into his personality and learn new things is absolutely amazing.  I get excited/smile every morning when I hear his chattering voice over the monitor and can't wait to get into his room to see that big smile on his face!  Everything about him is amazing and I am by far the most thankful that God put him in my life.  He is perfect in every way.

November 2nd.  My Husband.  He is an amazing father and loves his son more than life.  He makes me less stubborn (which I didn't know was possible).  He doesn't care that I put my comfy clothes on as soon as I get home, that I don't shower on Sundays, that I am not perfect and have my flaws and the list goes on and on.  We have very many things in common and very many things not in common, which I think evens us out and makes us work.  And most importantly he remained strong for the both of us when I broke down this past week.  Life is not always easy but he helps me realize that it will go on.

November 3rd.  My family and friends.  I don't what know what I do without them.  They have cried with me, been there for me, made me laugh when I don't want to and the list goes on and on.  I have the best family and friends in the world and I thank GOD every day for them.

November 4th.  (HAPPY BIRTHDAY SISTER SONYA!!!!!!)!!!!!  Today I am thankful for Baby Gap.  I see those clothes and just get so excited to buy them and see them on Will.  Tom always complains about how much of our paycheck goes to this store and says Will would look cute in a cheap pair of jeans and a t-shirt which  is true. . . but once he sees how dang cute Will looks in the clothes, he can't help but smile as well.  Today I looked at the new clothes and I saw the cutest little vest, paired with a white button up and dark jeans . . . then add in his CUTE boots, maybe a tie and his grumpy old men hat and you have the best dressed little boy that looks absolutely adorable and you just want to squeeze him to pieces.  Now that is an instant smile on my face!  So maybe to put it better - I am thankful for the simple things in life that make me happy.  :)

Knocked Down

We weren't trying to get pregnant . . . but sometimes the unexpected ends up being the best thing that happens to you.  And that's what we were expecting with this little baby!  When we first found out we pregnant we were definitely surprised, but excited.  I changed my annual appt to a prenatal appt and we went in for our first US.   My OB seemed a little concerned as the dates weren't matching up so he wanted me to come back in 2 weeks for another US.  He made sure to tell me not to tell anybody because I could still have a miscarriage.  Of course panic set in.  Those 2 weeks went by very slow and the day before my US I came down with some kind of flu and was sicker than I have been in my life.  I was very fearful as to what this could have done to baby #2.  I went into the US and baby looked great.  So, come back in 4 weeks for your 13 week US and tests . . .

I asked my Mom to come with us as she has never seen a grandbaby until it was born so thought this would be fun for her.  The US took about an hour as she couldn't get good enough measurements.  I now know she saw something and she wanted to confirm what she saw.  After the US we went to the waiting room to meet with my OB . . . he said the babies lengths, NT all look good but he did see something that is very concerning - your babies bladder is enlarged.  I think at this point I shut him off and was in a total state of shock.  I asked him how big a bladder is supposed to be and he said you shouldn't see the bladder at this point . . . our babies bladder at this point looked like it was taking up half of it's body. 

Once I got my blood drawn I lost it.  There are no words to describe how I felt in knowing there was something extremely wrong with my baby.  Devastated doesn't even come close.  I thought I could go into work and pretend that just didn't happen but I was wrong . . . I lost it and had to tell my boss's what was going on.  Thank GOD they were so understanding.  I went home that day and cried and cried and cried.  After doing research I started to give up faith and hope . . . but then I saw some cases where the bladder issue just went away - so at that point I started to become more hopeful and positive.  Everything could just go away . . .

We went to the specialist on Thursday and met with the Genetic counselor to go over history, etc.  We then had our US and the US machine they used is a level 2 meaning it can see a lot more than a level 1 and it is pretty much as clear as you can get.  There was our baby . . . everything was perfect except his bladder.  It measured at 16mm thus our doctor told us this is an extreme case and wouldn't go away on it's own.  There went my faith and positivity in a matter of a second.

They did the CVS (which was painful) which led to more waiting.  The first part of the results came back late Monday afternoon and they normal and we are having a boy.  This leads us in the right direction as we are now considered a candidate for the shunt procedure.  The shunt procedure would place a shunt in the babies bladder to drain the urine which in turn creates amniotic fluid which allows the lungs to develop . . . the down fall is that this will only mask whatever problem is causing the enlarged bladder.  It doesn't guarantee that my baby will survive, it will basically help get it to survive until he can be delivered.  After that who knows what issues he may have, he may need a kidney transplant, he may never be able to pee on his own, he may be born but die within minutes and the list goes on.

Our next step is to wait until November 18th.  At that time the doctor will be able to do an amnio and abstract urine from our little boys bladder.  They will run tests to determine how well the kidneys, lungs and heart are functioning.  If all are functioning well, then we will be able to do the shunt procedure.  If they are not functioning well then we will have to decide to terminate the pregnancy or wait for the baby to pass on his own.  All are horrible decisions and I don't want to have to make that decision.  I have seen my baby boy move his arms, legs, turn side to side, seen his face, profile . . . it's not fair, why God are you doing this to our sweet, innocent little boy????  Every part of this situation is horrible . . . I just want my baby to be healthy and live a normal life.  I don't want to see him suffer.

I have lost my positivity, I have lost faith, I have lost the excitement of being pregnant.  I see my weekly updates on how my baby is growing and had to shut them off because I don't want to know how much of a baby he is becoming because at any second I could lose him.  One thing I have not lost is support.  Tom and I are very lucky to have such an amazing family and great friends and we can't thank them enough for their kind words and for their prayers.  We need all the prayers we can get.  I haven't given up and I will keep praying for a miracle!!!!

Now that I got all of this out, I am going to try my hardest to be more positive and have faith in God and know that he has his reasons . . . even though I don't understand them now, I hope to some day understand.  There are so many things to be thankful for and these things are what is going to get me through this next month.  Starting with me having a supportive/loving husband who has seen the worst of me this past week and the cutest, loving toddler boy who lights me up at my darkest moment.  Without these two I don't know how I would get through this.

What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger and I certainly want to believe this.