Ball?

We went to see Santa on Sunday and I really thought he would LOVE Santa, pull his hair, beard, take off his hat, grab his glasses - you get the picture.  Well, not so much.  Can you tell by his expression he could care less about Santa?  Do you want to know what he cared more about?  BALLS (aka ornaments on the trees).  Yes, that serious face of his is focusing on the balls and Santa is holding his hands down because he is likely trying to point to the balls.  The Santa nightlight gets a squeal and a ohhhhh ahhh ho ho, but not the "real" Santa? 

He's more excited about shoveling spaghettios in his mouth than he is about seeing Santa!!!! 

His favorite foods are spaghettios and macaroni and cheese.  The most processed foods, I know.

Why not sit in a bucket to read, watch my shows and drink my milk?

Or a basket?  I really wonder if he will want to sit on the bean bag Santa is going to get him for Christmas? 

Today marks one month since we lost our little guy and the pain is getting better with time, but it will never go away.  As I was running at the gym this AM a song reminded me of what we went through and I about lost it.  I managed to keep it together as I didn't want the people next to me to think I had gone crazy . . . I mean who starts bawling on a tread mill at 5:30 in the morning??  Tonight I am going to watch our last ultrasound they taped of our little boy (whose name will be posted soon) and I know I will be a mess, but it will be so good to see him.  We had the US tech record the US because we really wanted to get his heart beat recorded so we could then record it to the recordable device and put it inside a build a bear.  Well, Tom watched it over thanksgiving and the lady didn't have the sound on.  I was devastated to say the least, but focusing on what we do have instead of what we don't . . . we don't have the sound of his heart beat but we do we have a 10 minute video of him.

A Day in the Life of Will

7:15 Will wakes up and starts his chattering then throws his passy, skip it and blanket out of the crib.  Get him up and change his diaper/clothes and he points around the room saying - what's that, what's that or uh oh and his new one is Papa (Dad, were you working on that a bit over the weekend :)?) and once we get him changed he wants to touch the cool artwork/touchy thing (no idea how describe it) his Grandpa J made for him. 

He then goes down the stairs by himself and gets excited.  Continues his excitement and runs to see Santa  (a nightlight) and says San - Ta and Ho Ho over and over.  Continues his excitement and runs to the advent calendar (that has now been moved up higher because he won't leave it alone) and wants to put the new one up.  He then opens the fridge (good lord, I thought we had a while until he could open up that thing) and points to the milk and says milk.  Walks over to the tree chugging his milk and tries to find a bulb that we haven't yet moved to the top of the tree. 

Finally - breakfast time . . . usually scarfs down his breakfast.  Especially if it's eggs with etup (ketchup).

We hurry to put on his shoes, (note to parents - don't buy a kid shoes with shoelaces at this age . . . pain in the neck putting them on when your child wants nothing to do with them being on) coat and hat on and he hurries and tries to take them all off.  He then says shoo (shoes) a few times and then we hurry to put on our shoes/coat, etc as he is pretty quick and tries to fly to the basement.

Get him in the car and then drive the 3 blocks to Lisa house.  When he sees her house he gets excited (we take him to an in-home daycare that he LOVES as he somedays doesn't want to leave).  Put his hat back on that he has taken off, get him inside and now he wants nothing to do with us trying to take off his coat, hat and shoes - he just wants to play.  He then gives Lisa a hug and goes and get the scooter.

Get him from daycare and then he does his routine of closing the garage door, checking out san-ta, advent calendar and goes to get his milk.  Scarfs down his dinner (or throws it and says uh oh if he doesn't like it) and then climbs the chairs, picks apart the tree, takes all the bows off the presents, tries to open the presents - you name it, he tries it.

Then it's 7:00, bedtime.  Runs around his room for a bit, grabs skip it and passy and he's out.

Next morning the same routine . . . it's always groundhogs day at the Jackovin house.  :)

Deep

Shortly before becoming pregnant with baby #2 I started following a blog about a little boy who had to have a kidney transplant when he was just 10 months old.  He is now in kidney failure and is in need of another transplant.  His name is Zachary (click here to see his story).  This little boy has been through hell and back, yet he is still fighting and won't give up.  His mother has posted other sites to follow and pray for other little kids who also have kidney problems (one in particular was a boy with PUV that lead to prune belly syndrome), so I started following his site as well.  I would just cry and cry reading through these stories and I wondered why I was doing this to myself.  I didn't even know these people, yet I continued to read, pray and felt so much pain for these families. 

Then I was drawn to another site - little baby Emma (click here to see her story).  Emma has a heart condition and is now in need of a heart transplant.  On this site Emma's parents also post other blogs to pray for other babies with heart problems.   This then lead me to this blog.  Her little baby boy passed away from his heart condition.

Once I became pregnant with baby #2, I wondered if I was jinxing myself by reading these blogs.  I just had a bad feeling that something was wrong but kept pushing it to the back of my mind because I thought I was just being paranoid from reading all of these blogs.  But sadly, it was not just paranoia, I truly believe it was God preparing me for what was going to happen to our little baby boy.  All of the blogs I have read are about babies with kidney problems and babies with heart problems.  And the last site I started to follow was about a mother who lost her baby boy due to a heart condition. 

This is what's ironic - we first found out our baby had an enlarged bladder, which in turn would cause him to need a kidney transplant; then we found out it was a severe case so he would likely have PBS; we then found out that it was the posterior urethra valve (PUV) that was causing the blockage; then my worst nightmare came true, there was something wrong with his heart and that was what ended up causing him to pass away.  Every single blog I came across before knowing of ANY of these conditions all had something to do with my babies conditions in some form or another and at each stage of what we went through, each blog helped me deal with what was being thrown at us.

I continue to follow these sites because I believe in the power of prayer and we certainly had a lot of people praying for the best outcome for our little guy.  While it's not the outcome Tom or I wanted, it's the outcome that I know is best for our little guy.  And even though the prayers for a miracle didn't come true - your prayers helped us overcome the grief of losing our little baby. 

Don't get me wrong, I still want to just scream at God and ask him why, even though I know the answer.  I still cry. . . a lot, I still get sad when I see brothers playing together, I put off my thank you cards because it made me cry thinking of why I am sending them and how thoughtful my friends/family are, but the one thing I have learned throughout this situation is life shouldn't be about what you don't/won't have, it should be about what you do have.  I do have an angel baby in heaven that will NEVER experience pain, I do have a strong marriage that got us both through the past few months, I do have a healthy, crazy toddler that I would do anything for and makes me a better person just by smiling and I do have the most supportive family and friends that I couldn't live without.

Hurts So Good!

My parents wanted to take Will for the weekend and while it was so hard saying good bye and I missed him like crazy, EVERY parent needs some time away from their kids.  It's good for your relationship and good for you.  He loves Grammy and Papa and loves to explore EVERYTHING in their house!  He had a great time and wasn't even too excited to see us when we picked him up yesterday afternoon - geesh, thanks Will!  :)

Our kid free weekend . . .
Friday night we met up with some of our neighbors for happy hour and to watch the Cyclones BEAT the Hawks!  GO CYCLONES!  You can imagine my excitement as Laura (my neighbor) and I were the only Cyclone fans in our group.  :)

Saturday Tom and I wanted to try out Prairie Life and we really liked it!  Indoor/Outdoor pool, b-ball/v-ball courts, tons of classes, FREE child care with it's own child gym (Will's DREAM) and a great weight and cardio area.  I need something to motivate me to want to keep pushing myself and they certainly have a ton of very fit peeps there that motivate me to want to get back into shape.  As I was walking next to an itty bitty, buff, no body fat, running like a cheetah, women - rocking her spandex and sports bra - the competitive person I am, SO badly wanted to run as fast as she was just to prove I could do it . . . but the fact that I haven't ran in a very long time and I am still recovering, decided that passing out in front of all these people was not an option.  :)  And yes, I was sore on Sunday - whatever muscles I had before our little baby boy #2, are completely gone.  But, I really don't care.

That day I got my hair cut and highlighted - it had been 5 months, yes, I would gasp too - roots were awful.  I love my hairstylist and there is never a silent moment - we just gab the entire 2.5 hours.  Yes, that's how long it takes. 

That night we went out to dinner and then decided to brave the blizzard conditions and meet up with a group of friends.  We stayed out way to late but it felt so good to get dressed up, have one on one time with the hubby and meet up with friends!!

Old Stomping Grounds

Last weekend Tom and I went to Ames to watch ISU take on California . . . yes, you heard that right, my hubby, the jack smack Hawkeye he is, went to Cyclone land.  I think the only reason he agreed to go was because we were going to Great Plains.  Typical guy huh?  Lure him in with food and beer!

After the game I wanted to stop by the ADPi house.  So many memories there that started when I was 7.  All 3 of my older sisters were ADPis so I would go and stay with them, which I of course loved!  My oldest cousin Gina, started the ADPi tradition in 1982 and my youngest cousin Jessica finished it in 2008.  That makes a total of 8 Polking cousins that were ADPi's and all went to ISU (26 consecutive years of having a Polking cousin in the house).  We can make that 10 cousins as our "kind of cousins", Abby and Kelly Snyder were also ADPi's at ISU.  Crazy, huh?  I would just love to go back to college for just 1 week . . .  
At Great Plains.  First beer in a long time . . . I have NO tolerance.



Fred Hoiberg!

I want to go Adpi . . . don't you, don't you, don't you?!?!

Funny

Tom and I were talking about what we thinkWill will do when we take him to see Santa . . . I said maybe he will do this face?



















This picture was when he was 3 months old and describes him to this day.  He is just funny and always puts a smile on our face.  Every time I look at this picture I just laugh. 

I will report back on Wednesday to let you know how Santa went.  I think he will pull on his beard and also try to take off his glasses.  :)

Tears for a Good Reason . . .

Tom and I decided we were going to do a memorial for our little baby boy and we found the perfect way to remember him.  We will be making a contribution to the Urbandale Memorial Tree Park in which we will have a tree planted that will include name/message engraved on a granite stone.  What makes this even more special is there is a spot next to where Tom's Mom's tree is.

Today my Dad called to tell me he wanted to donate to his memorial and how much.  My parents have always been so generous but this generosity brought me to tears.  Not only because of the amount, but because they would do anything for their kids and I know they hurt just as much as we do for losing him.  They are the best!

Love you Mom and Dad.