Wednesday, December 15, 2010


Shortly before becoming pregnant with baby #2 I started following a blog about a little boy who had to have a kidney transplant when he was just 10 months old.  He is now in kidney failure and is in need of another transplant.  His name is Zachary (click here to see his story).  This little boy has been through hell and back, yet he is still fighting and won't give up.  His mother has posted other sites to follow and pray for other little kids who also have kidney problems (one in particular was a boy with PUV that lead to prune belly syndrome), so I started following his site as well.  I would just cry and cry reading through these stories and I wondered why I was doing this to myself.  I didn't even know these people, yet I continued to read, pray and felt so much pain for these families. 

Then I was drawn to another site - little baby Emma (click here to see her story).  Emma has a heart condition and is now in need of a heart transplant.  On this site Emma's parents also post other blogs to pray for other babies with heart problems.   This then lead me to this blog.  Her little baby boy passed away from his heart condition.

Once I became pregnant with baby #2, I wondered if I was jinxing myself by reading these blogs.  I just had a bad feeling that something was wrong but kept pushing it to the back of my mind because I thought I was just being paranoid from reading all of these blogs.  But sadly, it was not just paranoia, I truly believe it was God preparing me for what was going to happen to our little baby boy.  All of the blogs I have read are about babies with kidney problems and babies with heart problems.  And the last site I started to follow was about a mother who lost her baby boy due to a heart condition. 

This is what's ironic - we first found out our baby had an enlarged bladder, which in turn would cause him to need a kidney transplant; then we found out it was a severe case so he would likely have PBS; we then found out that it was the posterior urethra valve (PUV) that was causing the blockage; then my worst nightmare came true, there was something wrong with his heart and that was what ended up causing him to pass away.  Every single blog I came across before knowing of ANY of these conditions all had something to do with my babies conditions in some form or another and at each stage of what we went through, each blog helped me deal with what was being thrown at us.

I continue to follow these sites because I believe in the power of prayer and we certainly had a lot of people praying for the best outcome for our little guy.  While it's not the outcome Tom or I wanted, it's the outcome that I know is best for our little guy.  And even though the prayers for a miracle didn't come true - your prayers helped us overcome the grief of losing our little baby. 

Don't get me wrong, I still want to just scream at God and ask him why, even though I know the answer.  I still cry. . . a lot, I still get sad when I see brothers playing together, I put off my thank you cards because it made me cry thinking of why I am sending them and how thoughtful my friends/family are, but the one thing I have learned throughout this situation is life shouldn't be about what you don't/won't have, it should be about what you do have.  I do have an angel baby in heaven that will NEVER experience pain, I do have a strong marriage that got us both through the past few months, I do have a healthy, crazy toddler that I would do anything for and makes me a better person just by smiling and I do have the most supportive family and friends that I couldn't live without.

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