Saturday, November 20, 2010
Friday, November 19, 2010
When people ask how I am doing, I don't know what to say. I don't like to be negative, but at the same time I can't lie and say I am good. I am terrible. I am a mess. I can't stop crying. I can't eat. I can't sleep. I can't stop thinking why. I can't stop thinking about Monday and most of all I can't stop thinking about the baby that we are never going to meet.
We had to make our appt. yesterday to start the process and it was by far the worst thing anyone should have to do. They asked us if we wanted to see our baby and we decided not to. He will be too little right now and I have this picture in my mind that he looks just perfect and I want him to remain that way.
Never did I imagine I would have a baby die; a baby die that I didn't get to meet, hold, tell him how much I love him, sing songs to him, watch his expressions when he sees how crazy his older brother is and just be his Mommy. Even if it were for one day, I wish he could experience all of these things.
I am now accepting that God is taking him so he doesn't have to experience pain. Had there not been a heart problem we would have tried everything to save him and he would have had to experience more pain in his first few days of life than I have ever experienced. So today, that is what I am thankful for.
We had to make our appt. yesterday to start the process and it was by far the worst thing anyone should have to do. They asked us if we wanted to see our baby and we decided not to. He will be too little right now and I have this picture in my mind that he looks just perfect and I want him to remain that way.
Never did I imagine I would have a baby die; a baby die that I didn't get to meet, hold, tell him how much I love him, sing songs to him, watch his expressions when he sees how crazy his older brother is and just be his Mommy. Even if it were for one day, I wish he could experience all of these things.
I am now accepting that God is taking him so he doesn't have to experience pain. Had there not been a heart problem we would have tried everything to save him and he would have had to experience more pain in his first few days of life than I have ever experienced. So today, that is what I am thankful for.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Broken doesn't even describe how we feel. I can honestly say I believe in motherly instincts because I am usually the most optimistic/positive person, but with our situation I had a feeling from the beginning that something was wrong. And today we found out more things are wrong.
We found out today that our little guy's heart is pushed over to the right side of chest. There is no reason for this, just another fluke. We didn't do the bladder tap today because if there is a heart condition then the shunt will not be done and now his bladder issue is the least of our doctor's concern. Last time we went into the doctor his heart rate was 168, it is now 148. It is so hard for me to type this out and I can't say it out loud . . . our son is not going to make it. We will go into the doctor on Monday as our doctor strongly feels his heart will likely have stopped. I will then have to deliver my son that will never take his first breath.
We saw him on the US machine today for a good half hour. Moving, kicking, drinking the amniotic fluid, turning circles - we saw both of his feet, his arms, his little fingers. We have so many pictures that I can not bring myself to look at because it makes me break down even more.
Please tell me what God's reasoning is behind this? Why is he putting our family through this? Why??? I don't understand and know I will never understand
Thank you all for your prayers, thoughts, support. You have all helped us keep going.
Laura, Tom and Will
We found out today that our little guy's heart is pushed over to the right side of chest. There is no reason for this, just another fluke. We didn't do the bladder tap today because if there is a heart condition then the shunt will not be done and now his bladder issue is the least of our doctor's concern. Last time we went into the doctor his heart rate was 168, it is now 148. It is so hard for me to type this out and I can't say it out loud . . . our son is not going to make it. We will go into the doctor on Monday as our doctor strongly feels his heart will likely have stopped. I will then have to deliver my son that will never take his first breath.
We saw him on the US machine today for a good half hour. Moving, kicking, drinking the amniotic fluid, turning circles - we saw both of his feet, his arms, his little fingers. We have so many pictures that I can not bring myself to look at because it makes me break down even more.
Please tell me what God's reasoning is behind this? Why is he putting our family through this? Why??? I don't understand and know I will never understand
Thank you all for your prayers, thoughts, support. You have all helped us keep going.
Laura, Tom and Will
Today is the Day
Am I ready for today? Yes and no. I am ready to get some answers on where we go from here but I don't think I have quite grasped and accepted what we are dealing with. I am not ready to see how large his bladder has gotten because it breaks my heart. I hate every part of this and don't understand why this is happening to our baby or why bad things happen to any baby for that matter. We are supposed to be excited to see our baby on the ultra sound machine, but instead I feel sick to my stomach thinking about having to see him.
I know it could be worse. So many of the stories I have read, couples have been trying for years to have their first child and when they finally get pregnant something like this happens. If I feel this awful, I can't imagine how they feel. We at least can get pregnant and most importantly we have our crazy Will that helps us deal with this situation. So for that we are more than thankful!
Below is my belly at 16 weeks and 1 day. I have decided I am going to try to be as optimistic as possible - so taking a picture of my growing belly is part of those steps. Next to that picture is when I was 20.5 weeks pregnant with Will, so it looks like baby #2 is measuring a little bit bigger - it does also look like I am carrying baby #2 a little bit higher. Had I not know I was having a boy - I really would have guessed I was having a girl.
Today I am thankful for all of your thoughts and prayers - I hope tomorrow I can be thankful that they worked!
I know it could be worse. So many of the stories I have read, couples have been trying for years to have their first child and when they finally get pregnant something like this happens. If I feel this awful, I can't imagine how they feel. We at least can get pregnant and most importantly we have our crazy Will that helps us deal with this situation. So for that we are more than thankful!
Below is my belly at 16 weeks and 1 day. I have decided I am going to try to be as optimistic as possible - so taking a picture of my growing belly is part of those steps. Next to that picture is when I was 20.5 weeks pregnant with Will, so it looks like baby #2 is measuring a little bit bigger - it does also look like I am carrying baby #2 a little bit higher. Had I not know I was having a boy - I really would have guessed I was having a girl.
Today I am thankful for all of your thoughts and prayers - I hope tomorrow I can be thankful that they worked!
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
November 17th
The innocence of my child. This morning as Will was playing I was doing my exercises for my stupid tailbone pain. While I was laying down, Will comes over and lays down on my chest and just busts out laughing and gives me a hug. He then goes back to reading his books and then he comes back over and does the exact same thing. He can so easily put a smile on my face and make by day by just being Will.
I love this "little" guy to pieces!
I love this "little" guy to pieces!
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
What Thursday Looks Like . . .
Our appt is at 2:30 this Thursday. They will do another long ultra sound (my biggest fear is that there will not be a heart beat, so I ask you all to PLEASE PRAY there is) to get measurements, look at the kidneys (to see if any cysts have formed) and to determine where the doctor will insert the needle.
After this is finished they will do a vesicocentesis (transdominal aspriation of fetal urine) which will drain the urine from the bladder and they will also extract urine to test for kidney and lung function. This is different from an amnio as the amnio extracts amniotic fluid. With a vesicocentesis the needle will actually go through the baby's stomach into his bladder . . . so obviously there is a lot more risk as the baby is so tiny - a poke in the wrong area could be fatal.
This is how the test will be performed: Under ultra-sound guidance, a needle is inserted through my abdomen, through the my uterus and into the our little guy's bladder. The bladder will be completely drained (this will allow the baby to have amniotic fluid which is extremely important for lung development and will also free up pressure on the other organs) and urine will be extracted for further testing.
From what I have read - evaluation of kidney function requires that the procedure be repeated 48 - 72 hours after the first "tap" as the first 2 bladder taps represent old urine that has been present in his bladder and upper tracts. The 3rd bladder tap represents urine that has been recently formed and will be the most reflective on how the kidneys are currently functioning. I honestly am floored that urine can tell so much about my baby and that they can do all these tests when he is so itty bitty!
So, we will likely have to wait for more answers, but we will at least know on Thursday how our little guy is holding up and will be able to drain his bladder to give him some relief!
The results will tell us the fate of our baby and there is no in between. This doctor will not try to be superman and do the shunt if we are below the threshold, which I know would be hard to accept, but I understand his reasoning. If the results are in our favor then we give the shunt a shot.
After this is finished they will do a vesicocentesis (transdominal aspriation of fetal urine) which will drain the urine from the bladder and they will also extract urine to test for kidney and lung function. This is different from an amnio as the amnio extracts amniotic fluid. With a vesicocentesis the needle will actually go through the baby's stomach into his bladder . . . so obviously there is a lot more risk as the baby is so tiny - a poke in the wrong area could be fatal.
This is how the test will be performed: Under ultra-sound guidance, a needle is inserted through my abdomen, through the my uterus and into the our little guy's bladder. The bladder will be completely drained (this will allow the baby to have amniotic fluid which is extremely important for lung development and will also free up pressure on the other organs) and urine will be extracted for further testing.
From what I have read - evaluation of kidney function requires that the procedure be repeated 48 - 72 hours after the first "tap" as the first 2 bladder taps represent old urine that has been present in his bladder and upper tracts. The 3rd bladder tap represents urine that has been recently formed and will be the most reflective on how the kidneys are currently functioning. I honestly am floored that urine can tell so much about my baby and that they can do all these tests when he is so itty bitty!
So, we will likely have to wait for more answers, but we will at least know on Thursday how our little guy is holding up and will be able to drain his bladder to give him some relief!
The results will tell us the fate of our baby and there is no in between. This doctor will not try to be superman and do the shunt if we are below the threshold, which I know would be hard to accept, but I understand his reasoning. If the results are in our favor then we give the shunt a shot.
2 more days until the big appt! Please go by FAST!
Today I am thankful for my parents. For many reasons, but obviously the big reason is I wouldn't be here if it weren't for them. While I didn't always agree with their rules (ok, I NEVER agreed with their rules) and hated the dreaded "LIST" my Dad created for us to do every Saturday AM, now that I am a parent, I understand. However, I still think it's cruel to pick up your daughter from a sleepover at 7AM when all the other girls get to stay until at least 10! Just saying. :)
You don't realize how much it costs to raise a child until you have your own. Toys, furniture, diapers, daycare, sports, braces, doctor/dentist visits, clothes (my parents had that part rough!!), food, a car (or in my case a red truck with white stripes), car insurance, gas and the list goes on and on. It adds up! I was very lucky in the fact that my parents paid for my college tuition, living expenses and car insurance. That is huge. I had a hard enough time after college trying to figure out how to pay bills, etc. so I can't imagine having to pay student loans on top of all that!
But most importantly, they are awesome grandparents and would do anything for their grand kids (and kids for that matter :))!
These are pictures from our trip to FL last year. My parents were great hosts and we had an absolute blast for 10 straight days!
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